Hyrule Madness
by Nstorm
Summary: Chaos assures in Hyrule as Link's obsession with leaves has grown out of hand, Zelda's actually acting like a princess, Malon's Father is freaking out over milk, and to top it all off, Ruto is the sane one. With a lot of problems with no solutions, Malon and her friends will have to live their lives in what is known as Hyrule Madness. Rated L for Lemmy and crack-fic mayhem.
1. THIS IS HYRULE!

"DON'T TOUCH MY LEAVES!" shouted Link quickly running at Saria and Malon, sword magically appearing in his hands." THEY BE MY SHIT!"

Saria and Malon quickly dropped the leaves they had in their hands, running away from Link for the tenth time this week, all because of his stupid leaves. Link, The Hero of Time and Green, loved leaves more than anything. Leaves are life, leaves are love and without them he would be the only one in Hyrule without an entire house and yard filled with leaves. The only one without the love of nature at his disposal, and without something to hold at night and without someone to love like his leaf woman, Nocturnal, and without leaves in his hair and his pants and even his hair. Without leaves, Link was naked, literally and figuratively.

"This is getting old!" shouted Malon to her sprinting friend Saria, who managed to keep up with her." And time consuming!"

"I agree although we're fitter than we've ever been!" shouted Saria, earning a giggle in agreement from her friendly milk girl.

"I'M GONNA WRECK YA!" screamed Link, throwing a boomerang he pulled out of his ass at the two." WITH MY ASS-A-RANG!"

"Shit, he's getting serious! RUN GIRL!" shouted Saria, sprinting faster vanishing into the woodland area nearby.

"RIGHT BEHIND YA!" shouted Malon, quickly taking a left turn, jumping over a fence as she landed back at the ranch.

Malon quickly sighed in relief, placing her hands on her hips, letting her breathing slow down before she waled away from the fence.

"Just what are we gonna do about Link?" asked Malon to herself, placing a hand on her chin looking at the clear blue sky." His obsession with leaves has gotten out of hand, so out of hand to the point he has been stealing other people's leaves. Not that it matters, since we don't have to get the leaves from out of our yards anymore, but still. He needs help."

Quickly and silently four birds landed on her head, taking shelter in her fiery red hair as they quickly fell asleep.

"But if he help him, then he'll never forgive us or worse: He'll take our milk and drink it all!"

"NOT THE MILK!" shouted Her Father quickly waking up from his nap, jumping out of the window and sprinting towards the barn." QUICK WE MUST HID IT BEFORE HE GETS IT ALL! THE MILK APOCOLAPYSE IS UPON US!"

Malon blinked twice, stopping dead in her tracks as she watched her father lift four times his own weight, taking that load into their house. She shook her head in disbelief as she continued her walk.

"Then there's everyone else. The world's starting to become crazier than ever before with Zelda worrying over whether or not her butt's too big, or her hair looks a mess-which would be normal princess stuff now that I think about it. Then there's Ruto, who's sane despite everyone in her kingdom shouting random nonsense, and to top it all off, there's a Goron in my yard smoking a pipe!"

The Goron quickly rolled into a ball, rolling as fast as he could out of there while Malon threw her hands up in the air; giving a death glare to the sky.

"WHY ON NAYRU IS THIS HAPPING!?"

"Naryu, why is this happening?" asked Din, quickly waking up to her fellow goddess who was busy reading the Hyrule news.

"Don't ask me because I have no clue," replied Naryu, flipping through the paper to a more interesting topic. Her eye widened as she found something interesting." Say, Din, did you know that there's this magical place called a website that the mortals use for multiple things."

"No, but this sounds interesting," gasped Din, quickly taking a seat in from of Naryu, listening attentively.

"Well, the mortals use it for multiple purposes, but what really gets me is that there's this place called ," translated Naryu, still in wild wonder.

"Fan fiction-what?" asked Din tilting her head.

"It's a place where authors write about their favorite show, games, cartoons, and so on. Apparently, it's very popular especially in the shipping department, but what gets me is that these characters have no clue that they're in a story at all!? Can you believe how stupid they are for not realizing that-"

Suddenly, Din turned her head to the wall behind Nayru, noticing that the wall was oddly see through.

"Say, Nayru, was the wall behind you always so….transparent?"

Nayru turned her attention toward the wall, taking notice of how transparent it really is." No, I haven't, but that's strange. Very strange."

They both stare deeply at the wall, their eyes managing to penetrate the barrier still guarding it, into the realm of make-believe. They are staring at you, the reader, managing to somehow stumble into the realm of Hyrule and its madness. In response, you wonder why you're reading this or why I'm talking to you or why I'm telling you but one question is for certain-

"WHERE IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM!?" shouted The Two Goddess', quickly looking around the room for the source of the sound.


	2. Nudey Malony

It was a long shot, but it was the only shot Malon had at getting through to Link and his leaf filled yard. Either that or rely on Moocha-Choka, magical talking bear that loves to make Moocha while chocking the heck out of somebody, and she didn't want Link dead.

Or did she?

Of course not! Link was the hero that saved them, her friend-at one point a crush but then he went leaf shit bananas-and another person that was crazy. If she let him live the rest of his life as a social outcast who makes love to a woman made out of leaves, then she wouldn't be able to pull off the whole good-friend-who-wants-the-best-for-their-insane-friend-yet-does-the-exact-opposite-by-doing-the-one-thing-that-makes-them-happy-thus-being-a-bad-friend-clichè the story has to fulfill. Yes, she does have that in her agenda.

Making her way through the leaves that were in the yard, took everything she had as it felt like she was wadding in water, but she managed to get to his log cabin where loud sounds of groaning where heard. A sweat drop rolled down her forehead as thoughts that were too sexual to describe without the use of leaf pudding, ran through her mind before she knocked on the door as loud as she could. Seconds after, the door flew open as Link quickly jumped into the doorway, clothes still on.

"Can I not help you with your cow sucking?" asked Link, raising an eyebrow at Malon.

"Link, what were you doing in there?" asked Malon, trying to peer into the doorway but Link blocked her sights by moving where she was trying to look around.

"The question is: what're you doing here!?" shouted Link, shoving her to the ground while firing non-existent gunshots from his hand handguns.

"DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!" shouted Malon, suddenly wiping off the leaf stains soiled on her dress." YOU SOILED MY DRESS!"

"YOU TRIED TO TAKE MY LEAVES WITH THAT WALKING PIECE OF GRASS!" shouted Link, pointing at Larry the Waking piece of grass, who quickly ran away in anger.

"YOU SOILED MY DRESS!" retorted Malon, her face turning bright red.

"YOU TRIED TO TAKE MY LEAVES!" shouted Link, throwing down a pair of unused gloves into the fray.

"YOU SOILED MY FREAKING DRESS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS COSTS!?"

"NICE CENSORING GINGER!" shouted Moocha-Choka, waving his choking victim in the air before taking a sip from is coffee." NEXT TRY TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO END WORLD PEACE!"

"About a rupee considering you got it from the trash can," replied Link smiling brightly.

Suddenly, a group of scurvy pirates appeared from the leaves, pointing all of their fingers at Malon whose entire body was becoming red.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" wailed The Pirates, waving their hands in the air like they just didn't care." YOUR FINE TARTY BOOTY JUST GOT SERVED! PIRATE BOOTY STYLE!"

As they disappeared Malon's anger finally exploded as she ripped the hem of her dress off her body, revealing her shorts underneath them.

"FINE IF IT'S SO DUMPSTER LIKE THEY MAYBE I WON'T WEAR IT!" shouted Malon, furiously ripping apart her own dress like a maniac.

Once she finally tore through that, she decided that maybe Link would make fun of her undergarments, so she tore those off causing a bright light to shine off her body. The light was so bright it caused all the men in Hyrule to bow down to it, believing this was the light of the goddess. But wait-

"MALON'S NAKED!" shouted Link, calling out to the tress frantically." SHE'S NAKED! POLICE! POLICE! HELP! NUDIST ON THE LOOSE!"

The police, dressed in brown, appeared at her sides, picked her up and carried her away causing Malon to scream like a horny pig named Sally.

"I'M INNOCENT I TELL YOU!" screamed Malon, kicking her legs out but failing to escape or even fly away." HE WAS ASSUALTING ME-SEXUALLY AND OTHERWISE!"

"Yeah, tell it to the judge, Nudy!" shouted The Cops, ignoring her.

"BUT HE SOILED IT! SOILED IT! SOILED IT!" shouted Malon, crying hysterically.

Her screams died out as Link went back into his house, sitting on his bed, and groaning loudly for no reason.


	3. Ruto, Cheeseburgers, Gannon, Plot?

"PUT THE BATMAN MAN IN TE FAT CAN IN THE BLACK OVEN AND LIKE IT BACK WHACK LIKE A HAT DANG!" shouted King of The Zoras, whose name became Zuru while his daughter, Ruto walked up to him rolling her eyes at his command.

"Father, we don't have an oven, a Batman, or any of the other mambo-jumbo you've created," sighed Ruto, rolling her eyes.

"WHAT!?" shouted King Zuru, nearly falling off his throne but was stopped by the arrival of two quick Zora, who quickly pushed him back up." THERE'S A COOL KID STUCK IN A WELL!? GET HIM OUT!"

"Yes, King Zuru sir!" shouted A Zora Guard, quickly saluting before going to find said cool kid in the well.

Ruto slapped her face for the tenth time this week, STRANGE ISN'T IT!? It's almost like she's doing THE EXACT SAME THING MALON DID BEFORE BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY!

Ganon, what are you doing narrating my story?

Uh….I can explain?

Whatever, but you do realize you're not supposed to make an appearance until like a few more chapters in. Zelda and Saria's problems aren't even introduced yet, so your arrival this early means that the plot has been-

Wait, there's a plot in this story and if so, do I finally beat Link and get the Triforce?

Not even close big guy, no homo, but we'll get into your part later. Right now, we've gotta stop breaking the fourth wall otherwise the walls will come tumbling down. And we're not talking about getting a Halo.

Now, more funny Ruto time!

"Father, for the last time we don't have a bacon cheeseburger!" shouted Ruto for the last time in a seemingly endless argument with her father.

"WHY DON'T YOU JERKS HAVE FREE PARKING AND WHY CAN'T I GET MY DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER!? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR OVER TEN MINUTES AND I'M STARTING TO GET VERY HUNGRY! YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT WHEN I'M SO SKINNY AND WITHOUT FOOD!" bawled King Zuru at the top of his lungs, craving for tHat burger like a lifeline."I'LL GO INCREDIBLE HULK ON YOUR MAMA'S!"

"What kind of fish needs human food!" shouted Ruto, clenching her fists before furiously throwing them to her sides, stomping her left…..fin like a girl.

"I DO! LOOK AT ME, I'M TOO HEAVY TO GET OFF THIS THRONE SO THE LADIES HAVE TO SEX ME WITH THEIR EYES!" shouted King Zuru."DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT CABLE!"

"We can't even get cable because we lack the necessary means, and technology, to actually get it here in our kingdom and if we could that stuck-up blonde won't let us play with her toys!"

"NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE WE WON'T! GUARDS SUMMON THE PUPPIES AND RAINBOWS AND ALL THINGS GIRLY SO THAT WE MAY KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!"

"Yes, sir, right aw-"began Another Zora guard about to salute.

Ruto turned to him, her eyes filled with anger so fierce even one's mama would die on the spot." SO HELP ME DIN, IF YOU DO WHAT HE SAYS I WILL TAKE YOUR SPEARS AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR BUTTHOLE!"

The Zora quickly saluted before running out the room even quicker, sounds of loud sobbing echoing throughout the hallways.

"SOMEBODY'S ON THE FIN TODAY OR IS IT THE B-SAUCE!?"

"I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT B-SAUcE IS IF YOU KEEP ACTING LIKE A MORON AND TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF BREAD!"

"YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER! BEGONE WITH YOU MORTAL!"

* * *

"Okay, so how does this fourth wall work exactly?" asked Din to Farore who took the time to study the ancient scrolls while Nayru went shopping.

"It says that if the wall is broken by characters in a story beyond its extent, then it shall break like an egg," replied Farore slowly reading them as if they were an alien language." To break the wall, one must directly talk to the player or reader or do actions that go against the flow of this story."

"So if I were to say that we will go down to the mortal realm to see how they are doing in about ten chapters or so from now, then this wall will be broken?" asked Din curiously, breaking the fourth wall with her own question.

"Yes, my dear, now if we break it too often we will never get a chance to go to the mortal realm, so please let us end the chapter with this note," agreed Farore, shaking her head slowly.

The screen faded to black as two women started at something for a while.


	4. Your Zeldaness

"What do you mean come back tomorrow, I have to see Zelda today!" shouted Malon to Impa with a wagon full of milk behind her." This is urgent-by my Dad's standards anyway-business that must be-not really because he's gone ape shit insane-addressed at once! Even though it wasn't business to begin with-"

"I am sorry, but the Princess has more…..urgent matters that need addressing," replied Impa her eyes drifting to her corners for a brief moment before they settled on Malon again, full of certainty." Yes, very urgent matters that need addressing today, at this exact moment in time!"

"Really?" asked Malon, raising an eyebrow while crossing her arms over her chest." Are they that important or are they about her beauty?"

"SRUB HARDER!" shouted Zelda at her caretakers, stark naked and shivering."THE STAINS ON MY DRESS WON'T COME OUT BY THMESELVES!"

Impa sighed loudly before quickly turning her back to Malon and walking away. Malon stomped her foot angrily before signaling for Ingo to turn around.

"IMPA! IMPA! IMPA!" wailed Zelda at the top of her lungs, a loud croaking sound emerging from the back of her throat." IMPA! IM-PA! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IM-IM-IM-IM-PAAAAA!"

She kept screaming each time getting gradually louder before her screaming became so loud even The Zoras could hear her. King Zuru awoke with a start, nearly falling off his throne again if not for the assistance of a few nearby Zora guards.

"RUTO! RUTO! RUTO!" shouted King Zuru once sitting on his throne, a loud croaking noise coming from his stomach." RUTO! RU-TO! RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-RU-TOOOO!"

He too gradually got louder with each scream, so loud even the Gorons could hear him.

"All right everybody, take a break and when we get back-" began A Goron construction worker, working on a school for fellow Gorons. His ears opened up, and he could hear the chorus of screaming old people." What is that!? WHAT IS THAT!? GORONS WHAT IS THAT!? GORONS! GORONS! GORONS! GO-RONS! GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-GO-RONS!"

The same thing happened and their screams became so loud, even the Korioko could hear them, which they didn't really care since they thought it was a bunch of dying frogs. Malon could hear it, and the screaming drilled into her eardrums, causing her to jump into a barrel full of dragon urine.

"GROSS!" screamed Malon at the top of her lungs, puking up her lunch once tasting the urine.

Link walked out of his cabin, his eyes bloodshot red as he could not sleep." SHUT UP BEFORE I SUMMON MY LEAVES!"

"IMPA! IM-oh, there you are, I was wondering what you were doing," replied Zelda once noticing that Impa was standing beside her bed.

Somehow, the screaming stopped as the source of it was stopped.

"Yes, Your Nagginess?" asked Impa, placing a hand on her hip, shifting her weight to her right side.

"Was that Link?" asked Zelda, curiously.

"No that was Malon, and she seemed to have a problem she needed to address," replied Impa.

"Was it Link?" asked Zelda, sitting up on her bed, fixing her robe.

"No, it was not Link, but now I want to talk about your problem."

"Is it about Link?"

Impa slapped her forehead, shaking her head in agony as her head throbbed painfully." No, it's not since you were the one calling me in the first place."

"It's about Link." She rolled out of bed, getting to her feet and walking around the room." I think we're breaking up."

"D'OH!" shouted A Nearby Caretaker, banging their head against the wall before quickly running away.

"You were never a ting to begin with, Your Annoyance." 

"Yes, we were and don't you tell me he didn't save me from death before! The one who saves the damsel in distress always married her!"

 _Frozen would like to have a word with you,_ thought Impa, rolling her eyes.

"No matter what, and he totes saved me, so that means were totally getting married whether you like it or not!"

"You are your own woman, Your Sassiness, I shall not-"

"Okay, good because I was starting to think that you were going to say no, and lock me in a tower for all eternity. Like in those fairy tales, but more darker. Anyway, I can't marry him!"

"And why can't you, Your Worriness?"

"Because he loves that pile of leaves more than he loves me, Zelda, the fairest maiden of them all!"

"That would be Snow White, Your Stuck-upiness."

"Whatever, I don't care if that woman's as white as gold, she ain't got nothing on me!"

Impa shook her head, impress by her attitude, and reasons.

"Wait, did you just say a pile of leaves?"

"YES!"

"Your Silliness, I believe that Link is not interested in any-"

"I have pictures on the ceiling of him with his leaf girlfriend."

Her mouth opened in shock as she looked at the ceiling, dazed beyond comparison by the amount of pictures Zelda took of Link with is leafy girlfriend. She looked at Zelda, her eyes as big as her booty," Have you been stalking him, Your Creepiness?" 

"Well, I have to keep an eye on my man, since he's cheating on me!"

"Your Stupidness, you never told him you were a thing!"

"He put a ring on it!"

"He did no such thing as he did not like it to put a ring on it!"

Zelda gasped, placing her hand over her mouth as she shook from both loss of oxygen, and shock." You take that back, you caretaker!"

"Sorry, Your Bitchiness, I was merely caught in the moment.

"Did you just call me a bitch?"

"No, I did not, you must be imaging things."

"Yes, you clearly did and-"

BREAKING NEWS WE ARE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL AGAIN! 

Both looked at the ceiling, confused beyond comparison.

"By the Gods?" asked The Two, confused.


	5. Quo-Key-What?

"Please, Link, just get rid of these leaves and stop acting like a nut job!" shouted Malon at Link after once again being caught trying to make off with some of his leaves.

"Nut job!? I don't suck or stroke nuts, you dirty, dirty girl!" countered Link, shaking his head in disbelief over the tried but failed extinction of his leaves.

My leaves were precious to me, so precious I might die if they aren't with me. They became my friends and family when I needed them most, and they were plentiful, meaning they wouldn't die because of some monsters or something. Leaves are love, leaves are life and without them I would be naked-which I don't mind. Then there was my beautiful leaf wife, Nocturnal, and our three children all named Minish and our dog named Cap. There was no way I was going to let this girl take away my family-not after everything I've been through with them.

What the hell!? I didn't write that! How did he manage to-never mind, that's not the point. The point is that Link was never going to surrender his leaves, no matter what the cost involved, and this angered Malon to the point she was going to be forced to do bad things. Very, very bad things that would earn her a spanking from her milk-crazed Father, Talon, which she still got because she said very naughty things about people. Never again would she call their best cow, Betsy, an ugly piece of cow trash.

"Link, you've forced me to do this, and when you've forced me to this I'm going to be coming at you like a Dark Horse," growled Malon, bailing her fists before she angrily turned around and stomped toward the nearest pile of leaves.

Link looked at Phantom Ganon, who shrugged before hopping on his dark stallion, riding off into the sunset. When he turned his attention toward Malon, she was holding a dagger to the neck to one of Link's neighbors. Leafy neighbors.

"No! Lemmy!" shouted Link, reaching a hand out to Lemmy, who looked at Link surprised for a leaf statue." Not you, you have so much to live for! Who's going to take care of your wife and thirteen children all named Brittney!?" 

"Well, I guess they're going to have to take care of themselves, unless you want to stop this foolishness and come to the ranch!" shouted Malon, holding the dagger closer to Lemmy who somehow managed to shake his head; leaf drift falling out of his hair.

What a total bitch!

"I heard that!" shouted Malon at a nearby tree, causing it to grow legs and run away.

"You wouldn't dare!" shouted Link, staring daggers at Malon who grinned evilly.

"I would dare!" shouted Malon, shaking her head.

"You wouldn't!" shouted Link.

"I would!" shouted Malon.

"YOU WOULDN'T!"

"I WOULD!"

"YOU WOULDN'T DO IT!"

"I WOULD TO DO IT! I'M NOT AFRAID!"

"YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE MOXIE!" bawled King Zuru at the top of his lungs, somehow hearing the conversation.

"Um, Dad?" asked Ruto, raising an eyebrow at her Father while watching two young zoras swim around in their pool." Who are you talking to?"

"THE LEAF MAN WHO HAS A BITCH OF AN ITCH ON HIS LEFT BUTT CHEEK!" shouted King Zuru." AND THAT BITCH IS HOLDING A DAGGER TO HIS FRIENDS LEAFY NECK!"

Ruto blinked twice before slapping herself, joining the Zoras soon after.

"Malon, I swear to Zelda's fake left breast that I will rain down the fury of a thousand gods on you and your ranch if you so much as touch that leafy neck of Lemmy's!"shouted Link.

"Okay, fine, I won't hurt him," replied Malon, calmly before taking a step back, releasing her hold on Lemmy, who staggered forward.

"Lemmy, are you-" began Link, running toward Lemmy, a hand ready to rest on his shoulders.

"JK!" shouted Malon, lunging forward at Lemmy's stomach, driving her dagger into his leafy back.

Link's eyes widen in horror as Malon drove the dagger so deep past his leafy back, she managed to tear through the spine and stomach; lounging the blade deep in his body. Lemmy's leaf eyes widen in horror as he fell forward, drawing his last leafy breath his as the wind blew him away.

"Well, that's not gonna leave a mark!" jested Comedy Jessica, a leaf woman, jumping into the middle of it all, firing two imaginary gunshots into the sky.

The crowd booed and hissed at her, causing her to cartwheel into the sunset, leaving a distraught Link to contemplate what just happened. The death of his leaf friend left a crazier mark than usual on him as he stood straight, smoke coming from his flaring nostrils as he pulled out a pair of nunchucks from his butt.

"Wait, where did you get those? We haven't even invented those yet!" exclaimed Malon, pointing at the nunchucks.

"You've forced me to this, the forbidden art!" shouted Link, spinning the nunchucks around before holding them in front of him." PREPARE TO BE QUO KEY DAWNED LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW!"

"Quo-key- what?" asked Malon, tilting her head as Link charged at her, nunchucks a blazing."Uh-oh."

Malon quickly ran away from a crazed Link, who was an expert at the forbidden art of Que-Key-Dawn.

 _R.I.P Lemmy Mackintosh_

 _Here lies Lemmy Mackintosh, proud Father and warrior, best friend a leaf brother could have. His only regret in life was that he never got t see Zelda naked-like Link. His wife and children live on, their heads held high as they find comfort in their fellow leafy neighbors._

 _2015-Okay, his birth is unknown since Link won't talk about him anymore. So yeah, there's the comedic relief folks!_

"Well, that was a bit stupid," replied Ruto after news of Lemmy's death traveled to their kingdom." Thank Din I am not married to him."

"FORGOT THAT! WHY ARE WE THE LAST TO KNOW EVERYTHING!" shouted King Zuru."WE SHOULD COME UP WITH OUT OWN NEWS SO THAT THOSE SNOBS OVER AT THE KINGDOM OF ZELDA WILL BE THE LAST ONES TO HEAR ABOUT OUT SAVORY SCOOP! LET'S SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT! BOBBY-"

"Father, it's Ruto," corrected Ruto.

"RUDY COME UP WITH SOMETHING JUICY SO THAT WE CAN MAKE THOSE SNOBS PAY FOR NOT TELLING IS WHAT THE NEWS IS!"

To be continued….next chapter, of course!


	6. Ganondork Reborn?

Previously, on _Hyrule Madness_ , King Zuru was mad over the news that arrived in the newspaper about Lemmy's death that everyone else knew about _before_ them, so he decided to get Rudy-er, Ruto to come up with their own saucy news.

"There's just one problem: We don't do anything!" shouted Ruto at her father, flapping a fin at him."Unless you count our Olympic swimming-which we invented and are hosting!"

"RUDDER-" bawled King Zuru, leaning in toward Ruto.

"Ruto," corrected Ruto.

"RUTHER YOU CLEARLY DON'T UNDERSTAND A THING ABOUT GOSSIP SO I SHALL HAVE TO DUMMY IT DOWN FOR YOU VERY SLOW BRAIN!" shouted King Zuru." ARE YOU READY BECAUSE WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY MAY BE TOO COMPLICATED FOR YOUR FEEBLE MIND TO COMPREHEND!" 

The Princess merely rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest as she waited for the dummy down version of gossip.

"WHEN A GIRL AND A BOY LOVE EACH OTHER VEYR MUCH-" said King Zuru, slowly.

 _Oh, no, not the Fins and the Tails talk!_ Thought Ruto, on the verge of mental breakdown.

"AND A GIRL TRIES TO STEAL THE OTHER GIRL'S MAN THAT JEALOUS BITCH WILL COME UP WITH SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HER SO THAT HER REP MAY BE RUINED! THAT IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO WITH THE GOSSIP! MAKE IT UP IF YOU HAVE TO BUT WE MUST-"

"BEHOLD FELLOW TRASH AS A GIANT WHALE COMES INTO YOUR LIFE!" shouted a Familiar Voice, walking into the throne room with their hands in the air.

Everybody, basically Ruto and King Zuru, turned toward the voice's beholder to reveal it to be none other than-

"OH NO IT'S SANTA CLAUS! HE'S HERE TO STICK NEEDLES UP OUR ASSES! QUICK, RUTTY, GET THE MUSTARD WE MUST USE THE POWER OF MADNESS TO QUELL THIS FOUL CREATURE!"

"I am not Santa Clause, but the one and only-" began The Stranger, revealing his face to the light.

"GANONDORK!" exclaimed Ruto, pointing at Ganondorf.

"NO MY NAME IS GANONDORF YOU BLUE FISH WOMAN!" 

"DON'T CALL ME FISH WOMAN YOU GREY AND GINGER BEARED CREEP!"

"OH YEAH AT LEAST I CAN WALK ON DRY LAND WITHOUT DRYING OUT!"

"AT LEAST I'M NOT A PEDOPHILE!"

"YOU TWO BETTER TAKE IT OUTSIDE! THERE SHALL BE NO CONCIEVING ON MY WATCH!"

The two stared at the king for a brief moment before turning back to the other.

"Anyway, I have come to not lay waste to this pitiful wasteland because I have given up on my quest for the Triforce, so I have come to settle down in peace."

Ruto blinked twice at Ganondorf, who smiled weakly at her.

"GANONDORF IS HERE! QUICK TELL EVERYONE EXCEPT THOSE PRICKS AT THE CASTLE SO THAT-"

"I have already alerted Zelda of my arrival, so that we may begin the era of a new age."

As Ganondorf left, King Zuru groaned loudly, feeling his eyes itching like crazy.

"RUTTU GET THE SPONGE AND RAIN DOWN PLACES OF ICE ON THOSE MORONS!"


	7. Leaves, Funerals, Searching, Forbidden?

"Your Urgency, I bring urgent news!" exclaimed Impa, yet calmly walking into Zelda's bedroom while she is busy texting.

Wait, where'd she get that phone from because Hyrule does not have that type of technology with their research; unless they actually had a phone which would-I'm doing it again, aren't I?

"So urgent that you couldn't have text me _without_ barging into my room!" shouted Zelda, throwing her phone across the bed before sitting up, crossing her arms over her chest, and pushing her eyebrows together.

"Wait, where did you get that?" asked Impa, pointing at the cell phone on the other side of the bed."We don't even have that type of technology, let alone resources to supply the means for that thing!"

"Traveling Merchant who goes across the dimensions, selling items that most people don't have," translated Zelda.

Bullsticks!

"Anyway, I bring urgent news-" began Impa.

"Is it about-" began Zelda, her eyes filled with excitement as she leaned closer to her caretaker.

"SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH FOR ONCE!" snapped Impa, shoving Zelda back onto the bed.

Zelda was more dazed than angry as she stared at her otherwise obedient, calm caretaker; who then straightened her posture and cleared her throat. She placed a hand on her hip,"Yes, it is about Link, moreso his condition, Your Annoyance. I don't know how to say it but…...he's mourning."

"NOOO!" wailed Zelda, quickly falling into the fetal position on the ground, sobbing loudly."HE WAS SO YOUNG!"

"Yes, Your Wailiness, he was very young-" 

"AND HANDSOME!"

"That as well-"

"HE HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!"

"Well, he did have thirteen mouths to fed-"

"OH THE HUNGRY CHILDREN!"

"Do not worry, Your Grievousness, his children are in good hands, as long as they aren't blown away by the leaves, since after all they are very leafy."

"OH THE-" Zelda stopped her crying spree, rose on her knees, and tilted her head at her caretaker." Wait, what?"

"Yes, Your Interuptness, Link's friend, leafy friend, Lemmy Mackintosh, has been killed by none other than-"

"MALON GET THE MILK!" shouted Talon, hiding underneath his bed, clutching a small crate of milk to his chest, in the fetal position." THEY'RE COMING TO TRY AND TAKE IT!"

Malon was busy submerging herself in Lon-Lon cream, which she believed had the restorative powers to heal wounds specifically Third degree burns that she got from Link's fire magic. She regretted killing Lemmy, but knew this entire task would be much harder to achieve. For now, she was going to heal and ignore her Father.

"GET THE MILK, MALON, I KNOW THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE IT! I SEE THEM WITH MY OWN EYES!" shouted Talon, cowering in fear." THOSE DARN TEENAGERS!"

A group of teenagers were quickly making off with crates upon crates of Lon-Lon Ranch milk, leaving no trace behind before riding off into the forest nearby.

"That's horrible!" gasped Zelda in disbelief.

"Yes, it is very messed up, Your Gaspingness," replied Impa shaking her head slowly.

"I can't believe that redhead had enough booty to do that to one of Link's friends!" exclaimed Zelda, causing Impa to stare at her with her gaping mouth."And I always thought the alternative version of Saria was bad!"

A loud coughing sound was heard behind Zelda, who was none other than the alternative Saria, who stared at her in annoyance. Zelda chuckled lightly." No offense."

"Anyway, Your Insultfulness, what do you suppose we do?" asked Impa, placing her hands behind her back.

"We shall have a funeral to commemorate-however you say it-his death, and achievements made in Link's life!" commanded Zelda with a dramatic flourish of her hands.

"But, Your Generousness, his body has been scattered around the kingdom. How are we ever-"

"Rally the troops for investigation, and search every corner of the world if you have to for his parts, and don't comeback until you find them all!"

"But-" 

"DID YOU FIND THEM ALL!"

"No, but Your-"

"THEN BEGONE!"

Impa blinked at Zelda three times before going to rally up the troops to find the missing leaf man.


	8. Milk, Doors, and Cats

"GET THE MILK! GET THE MILK! GET THE MILK! GET THE MILK! GET THE MILK! GET THE-"

"SHUT UP, DAD!"

Malon's Father slept a lot, so much that she was a victim to Ingo's bullying and comedy, but whenever he was awake he always freaked out over the milk. He believed that there were people who were out to steal the milk, selling it for much more money than it was worth since they were the best. Sadly, Malon would always be the one he would yell at since she was the only woman who actually milked the cows by the horns before HITTING THEIR MOTHERS WITH AN IRON FIST NAMED HENRY! HENRY LOVES TO GET GANONDORF THE-

Again, Ganon, again? How are you doing this exactly? Whatever, back to the milk yelling.

"MALON THEY'RE TRYING TO GET THE MILK! I KNOW THEY ARE!" shouted Talon, walking through Castle Town with all eyes fixed on him and an angry, embarrassed Malon."ESPECIALLY YOU JESSICA!"

Jessica, a woman who ran the farmer's market stall, threw her hands in the air wondering why she was always blamed for trying to steal his milk.

"Ignore him, Jessica, he doesn't mean it!" countered Malon, waving her hand at Jessica.

"NO DON'T DO IT MALON!" shouted Talon, quickly running up to a nearby pot and smashing it with his foot." THEY'RE PLOTTING TO GET TO THE MILK THROUGH YOU!"

"Dad, stop freaking out about the-" began Malon, looking at her Father before bumping into Impa, who was covered in red liquid.

"Sorry, Malon, I was unaware that you would be with your _Father_ today," said Impa, staring daggers at Talon who hid behind Malon.

"Yeah, I'm still really sorry about the last encounter you had," replied Malon, rubbing the back of her head sheepishly." He was freaking out because-"

"THE MILK MONSTERS ARE COMING!" shouted Talon, quickly turning around, failing his arms around like a moron, running off to wherever his legs take him.

The two stared at the trail of mayhem, screaming, fire, and destruction before turning back to their conversation.

"He really, _really_ loves the milk," replied Malon, chuckling nervously.

"Yes, yes he does," replied Impa, raising an eyebrow at Malon before dismissing her thought."Anyway, if you'll excuse me I have to get this gump off my body."

"Say, Impa, what is that stuff anyway?"

She shuddered inwardly, remembering what had happened only a few days ago." I'd rather not talk about it."

Impa walked away as Malon shrugged, turning her head toward the path of destruction her father left behind.

"RATO! RATO! RATO! RATO!" shouted King Zuru.

"I'm right in front of you, Dad," replied Ruto, blinking twice.

"DON'T YOU KNOW WHEN TO KNOCK!?" demanded King Zuru.

"We don't have a door," replied Ruto, slowly.

"THEN WHY IS THERE A BLUE DOOR NEAR THE ENTRANCE!"

"Those are the Zoras that you ordered to act like a door until we get one, which makes no sense since we can just swim."

The Zoras moaned in pain feeling their legs and heads hurting from maintaining their pose for three days.

"WAIT WE'RE BLUE!? THAT MEANS WE ARE SMURFS! OH GOD NO! NO! RLATO! RLATO! RLATO!"

"Still here Father."

"TELL EVERYBODY IN THE KINGDOM THIS SHOCKING NEWS! EVERYBODY BUT ZELDA AND HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS! SHE SHALL PAY FOR NOT TELLING US THE JUICY DEATS AFTER EVERYONE ELSE HAS KNOWN!"

"Um, Father, the Gerudos would-"

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE GERALDS! TELL EVERYBODY ELSE THAT WE'RE SMURFS OR I SHALL SMIT THEE WITH A HAMMER OF JUSTICE AND NASTINESS!"

"But, Father-"

"I WILL PEE ON YOUR FACE IF YOU DO NOT GO NOW!"

Ruto quickly ran out of the room, fearing that King Zuru would pee on her face, leaving the smiling King alone with the door of Zoras.

"THAT WAS TOO EASY!" shouted Zuru, smiling.

"Sir, I beg your pardon, but some of us are tired and hungry and we have families to feed along with-" began The Top Zora, feeling his friends trembling legs.

"DOES THE FAT CAT BAT MAT LOVE TO RAT DAT WITH A BLACK DAT!?"

"Um…..no?"

"YES! YES, YES IT DOES AND YOU WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL I SAY SO! NOW COMENCE THE FOURTH WALL BREAKING!"


	9. Ingo, Rush, Trix, Lemmy?

"Your Craziness, I have some good news and some bad news," announced Impa, walking into the throne room as Zelda was finishing her conversation with one of the woman servants in charge of making sure Zelda's meals weren't too fattening."The good news is-"

"Link's going to propose to-" began Zelda, her eyes lighting up.

"NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT LINK!" shouted Impa, causing the maid to run out of the room.

She coughed loudly before continuing." Anyway, the good news is after twelve long hours of searching far and wide, we've managed to locate the parts of Lemmy."

"That was rather quick," replied Zelda before narrowing her eyes at Impa." Where you going at Sonic speeds?"

Impa rolled her eyes at her comment."No, Your Comediciness, there weren't that many leaves scattered around the kingdom since Link has the majority of them where he lives. The bad news is that we don't know where his parts go since he's a leaf man."

Zelda raised an eyebrow at her quizzically," So?"

" _So_ that means we don't know how the hell we're gonna put him back together, since he's like Humpty Dumpty!" shouted Mubu, the maid with a giant slime attached to her backside, walking into the room midway in the conversation."Silly blonde, so's are for grown ups that know what the situation is at hand! Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go and fight the Trix Rabbit for stealing his line!"

"The possible solution to the problem is to recreate Lemmy in the form of a human, but even that would require serious amounts of magical energy, and a lot of leaves to replace his missing…...stems."

"You don't know how his antimony works, do you?"

"Your Probyiness, nobody does considering he's made out of leaves, which are plants that require sunlight and water to survive and are very fragile. Anyway, we have placed him in the coffin which _isn't_ made out of leaves."

"Did you just through the leaves in there or did you try to put him back together again?"

Impa immediately turned around, quickly walking out of the room, leaving Zelda along with nothing to do.

NOTHING TO DO BUT THE NASTY!

SERIOUSLY WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?

Meanwhile with Ganon…..

"Sir, for the last time, we do NOT allow people that look like a cross between a demon and Santa Clause do deliveries for us," replied Ingo, staring at the gray Gandalf-er, Ganondolf who was dressed as a delivery boy."Now that I think about it, we don't even deliver milk anymore unless Dad's asleep."

"Listen, Ranch boy, I don't have to put up with this sort of abuse!" shouted Ganondolf, growing tired of dressing like a delivery boy."I QUIT YOU MEANIE! INSERT FROWNY MAD FACE BECAUSE YOU JUST HURT MY FEELINGS!"

"What're gonna do, call Malon on me?" asked Ingo, raising an eyebrow."NEWS FLASH I LIKE GUYS SO THERE!"

Ganondolf stared at Ingo, who just admitted to being gay,"Are-are you coming onto me?"

"INSERT YA MAMA FACE BECAUSE I JUST PUNKED YA!" shouted Ingo, shoving Ganondolf to the ground, cartwheeling around the ranch.

Malon watched with Saria, both having popcorn in their hands while sitting on top of a stump, as her brother was being transformed by a strange substance known as _Formula A_ which was something Saria developed on her own.

"So A means adrenaline or a rush," replied Malon, watching as her brother was now jumping around the place, swinging his shirt around." I think that might be a little too much though."

"Eh, what do you know anyway, Malon? Who's the expert at plants and animals?" asked Saria, pointing to herself while Malon just stared at her blankly.

* * *

"Din, I think I found a solution to your problem," said Nayru, smiling at Din with a frying pan behind her back.

"And what would-" began Din, turning around to face Nayru.

 _WHACK!_

"TAKE THAT YOU REDHEAD!" shouted Nayru, quickly running out of the room.

* * *

"WHAT IS GOING ON!?" shouted King Zuru, watching as a younger, duplicate version of Malon was belly dancing on top of the royal pool." WHY IS THERE A GINGER DANCING ON MY POOL!? "


	10. Borders, Passing, Races, Gandalf

"DOTH SHALL NOT COMETH NEARTH THIS PLACETH UNLESSETH DOTHETH WANTETH FACETHET THY WRATH!" shouted Link, pointing his bow at Malon, who was a step away from overstepping her boundaries.

"Link, I said I was sorry!" shouted Malon, placing a hand on her chest, slightly leaning forward."What more do you want from me!?"

"TO GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" shouted Link, tears forming in his eyes." NEVER AGAIN SHALL YOU DESTROY THE TRANQUILL COMMUNITY OF THE LEAFY LINKS!"

NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! WHAT THE HELL LINK!? 

"Do you hear something?" asked Malon, looking around for the source of the yelling.

Link lowered his bow, confused at what she was getting at." What're you talking about?"

"I don't know," replied Malon, shrugging." Were we doing something?"

"I think we were?" asked Link, shrugging."Oh, yeah!" He pointed his bow at Malon again." YOU SHALL NEVER HARM THE LEAFY LINKS EVER AGAIN!" 

"Leafy Links? What are they, your race of leaf people?"

"YES AND YOU SHALL LEAVE US BE!"

"No, Link, I'm not going to leave you be because you're acting crazier than Gandalf when somebody's trying to cross a closed border!"

"I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF DOING TAXES LIKE ANY OTHER RESPONSIBLE MALE OF SOCIETY MALON!"

"YOU CAN'T EVEN SAY RESPONSABLE YOU KINDERGARDEN FLUNKIE!"

Link gasped so loudly that a fly managed to go into his mouth, and do five laps around his teeth before flying out.

"YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU-YOU-YOU COW UTTER SUCKING FARMGIRL!"

"YOU SHUT UP YOU CRAZY WHITE MAN!"

"Disclaimer: Hyrule Madness and the Author of this story do not encourage racism in any form or shape!" shouted Disleafer Larry, popping his head in between the two before vanishing.

"I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST WINTER!"

"INGO MADE ME DO IT! I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT!"

"TELL THAT TO THE COW THAT YOU SUCKED DRY!" 

Malon's face turned scarlet, causing her to step over the border line between her and Link, but the gatekeeper quickly jumped in front of her; his staff held high in the air.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" shouted Gandalf at the top of his lungs, causing Malon to stagger backwards.

"OUT OF MY WAY GANDALF!" shouted Malon, going around Gandalf, only to be stopped by him yet again.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" shouted Gandalf, poking her stomach with her staff.

"Wait, Malon doesn't have a staff!" shouted Malon, referring to herself in the third person, causing Link to raise an eyebrow at her.

Malon walked backwards, holding an empty jar over her head, smiling evilly.

"You may have won this round, Link, but Malon will be back!" shouted Malon, disappearing into the shadows." WITH MILK!"

"YOU SHALL NOT COME BACK!" shouted Link.


	11. Big Black Beard Balls

"IMAP GET RID OF THE BIG BLACK BEARD BALLS!" shouted Zelda, as Impa walked away from her room, massaging her temples while trying to ignore the princess."THEY'RE DRIVING ME INSANE!"

Ever since the arrival of a mysterious entity known as Big Black Beard Balls, Zelda has been screaming at her guards nonstop to get rid of the Big Black Beard Balls that seemingly come out of no where and jump scare poor, annoying Zelda. The effect has been nothing but pure chaos as the guards have been driven to the point where they are literally drinking Lon-Lon Milk in order to keep up with the screaming princess. Every day, every night, every waking second of every day Zelda has been doing nothing but screaming her lungs out over the Big Black Beard Balls. It was amazing that she hadn't lost her voice due to the screaming over Big Black Beard Balls, and morose that the entire town wasn't trying to kill their ruler for destroying their minds over screaming over Big Black Beard Balls; but what's even more strange is that nobody knows what race or where the Big Black Beard Balls came from. One thing was for certain: they were going to need a lot of bats to take care of the Big Black Beard Balls. For now, Impa was just going to go to the far reaches of Hyrule where her screams couldn't be heard to give her some rest over all this commotion about Big Black Beard Balls.

Meanwhile, over in the Mushroom Kingdom…..

Wait, wrong story.

Meanwhile, over in the Kingdom of The Zoras…

"RUTO! WHY ARE THERE THESE BEING CALLED BIG BLACK BEARD BALLS AND WHY ARE THEY CAUSING A COMMOTION IN THE KINGDOM OF THE HYRULES!" shouted King Zuru, pointing at Ruto who shrugged.

"I do not know, Father, however I hope you do realize that we are all in Hyrule, and we're not our own separate kingdom," replied Ruto, sighing loudly shaking her head in disbelief.

"YES WE ARE OUR OWN KINGDOM NOW SINCE THE BIG BLACK BEARD BALLS HAVE BEGUN THEIR INVASION!" shouted King Zuru." SOON THEY SHALL ENSLAVE THE HUMANS AND MAKE PEACH COBBLER OUT OF THEM THEN-"

"You know what?I'm done," interrupted Ruto, waving a fin at King Zuru before marching over the waterfall." Call me when the Big Black Beard Balls are gone!"

"RUTO COME BACK!" shouted King Zuru, turning his head just in time to see Ruto jump off the throne room, and down into the water.

He turned his head, the sound of the tranquil wind blowing and the sound of the waterfall crashing loudly like a symbol. He sighed.

"SHE DIDN'T EVEN STAY UNTILL THE PART WHERE SHE WAS GOING TO BE QUEEN OF THE BIG BLACK BEARD BALLS!" exclaimed King Zuru.


	12. Unknown Title

Malon was starting to feel lonely mostly because her father spent his days in his Panic Room with nearly half their crates of milk, and Ingo spent the days hitting little boys before jumping into a nearby well to escape. Why Ingo did that was beyond her, but she didn't question his actions much like she did with her Father's antics over milk. So she did what any other woman in her situation would do. Cry and weep until somebody noticed that something was wrong. Her efforts were soon paying off as her Father was yelling at her for the first time in days.

"MALON!" shouted Talon, walking into Malon's room with an empty bottle of milk, the stains on his shirt visible.

She weakly lifted her head from her drenched pillow, and sat on the edge of the bed, wiping away her tears.

"Yes, Daddy?" she croaked.

"I hate to interupt your intense sobbing session, but it's kind of hard to worry about the milk being taken with you crying over the fact that you look like a poor person, so could you please stop?" asked Talon, smiling briefly before quickly walking out the room.

"Burn!" shouted Ingo, quickly running into the room with a lit candle before licking his fingers and using them to put out the flame." Like a ginger!"

"Shut up, Ingo, nobody likes you!" shouted Malon, quickly chasing him out of her room.

Meanwhile in Castle Town…

"Why do I need to pratice shopping?" asked Zelda as Impa and her were walking through the market place with many vendors." I have servants who would do the work for me."

"Your Spoiledness, you must learn to fend for yourself at times," replied Impa, shortly gazing at a nearby fish vendor before looking at Zelda." There may be times when the servants are way too busy."

"Doing what?" asked Zelda, raising an eyebrow.

"Servant stuff," replied Impa rubbing the back of her head." Like tending to the castle, and cooking."

The servants at the castle were busy dancing on top of tables in the dinning hall, shaking their rumps while serving drinks to random strangers on the streets. One servant even managed to win a guard's armor in a game of strip poker…..with sticks.

"Then why don't you have to cook?" asked Zelda.

Impa spotted and point to a vendor housing many different types of clothing from dresses to rags to even tunics." Ah, that vendor looks like it would be a good place to find you some new attires."

"But I already-"

"Yes, it is settled! We shall shop at that vendor first before we look or do anything else regarding our shopping spree!"

"But Impa-"

"Come now, Princess!" Impa seized her by her hand, and quickly ran over to the vendor." Let's begin the shopping spree!"

That was the last Zelda was ever seen again….at least until lunch time.


	13. 13 Charlie and Karl

Malon found a solution to her loneliness problem provided via Saria getting tired of her following around like a lost puppy. She decided to get a boyfriend, however there was just one problem that was kind of…...weird.

"HEYA! HEYA! HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA!" shouted A Guard off duty to Malon as they were siting outside a random cafe.

"Um, so what're…..you know, your interest and hobbies?" asked Malon, grimacing a little.

"HEYA! HEYA! HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA-HEYA!" repeated The Guard, slamming his hand against the table.

Malon looked at a nearby waiter," Check please!"

So she decided to start smaller than a boyfriend, or anybody that only spoke one word which led to the creation of Karl the Magnificent Pillow capable of providing comfort better than any other person could. Yes, she drew a face on one of her pillows with perma-Ink and named it Karl because there was no other option other than to weep for all eternity. When Ingo saw that she was having breakfast with a pillow with a face on it, he decided to go find Talon who, oddly enough, was busy milking a cow. With a cuckoo.

"Talon, there's something wrong with Malon," said Ingo, eying Talon briefly.

The Ranch Owner placed the chicken on the ground, got off his stool, and placed his hands on his hips as he turned to Ingo." All right, Ingo, this is the plan. You distract with odd talk about how she was born while I go run for the hills, change my name, start over with a larger more beautiful ranch. In about a few years or so somebody will come and-"

"Old Man, what're you talking about now?" sighed Ingo, rolling his eyes.

"I dunno, what're YOU talking about!?" returned Talon shifting his weight to his right side, puffing his lips out.

Ingo made a confused face before he shook his head."Malon's in the kitchen having breakfast with a darn pillow like it's some sorta human being like she's still seven."

"I thought she was twenty-one?" asked Talon, scratching his head." Boy, kids these days sure age differently."

Ingo refrained from slapping the old goat for his stupidity." Anyway, I came to get you since you are the Father and the Father should talk to their daughters about-"

"YOLO!" shouted Talon, throwing the cuckoo at Ingo who literally fell backwards, landing on his butt as he fought a crazed chicken.

"YOU PATHETIC OLD MAN!" shouted Talon through the fight." NO WONDER YOUR WIFE LEFT YOU!"

Malon looked out the open window briefly overhearing the commotion outside before shrugging it off, and continuing her conversation with Karl. Moments later, an enraged Ingo with multiple claw marks and a black eye walked into the kitchen, flopping down on the chair that nearly broke due to his weight being dropped on it so suddenly.

"Don't ask," replied Ingo as Malon began to open her mouth." Anyway, look Malon, we need to talk-"

"Since when do you care so much about me?" asked Malon, titling her head to the side.

"Well, when you're out here havin' conversations with a damn pillow there's a need to be worried and the only two people that actually work here are us, so if you go bonkers I'm stuck taking care of this here shit hole," replied Ingo shrugging." Plus we're siblings-"

"No, we're not," replied Malon.

"Yes we are, Malon-"

"My Mama ain't have a son!"

"Yes, but Talon signed a contract stating that I am your brother and should anything happen to him I would get rights over your well being, but that's not the point! The point is that I'm starting to wonder if this whole Link-won't-talk-to-ya-cause-you-done-gone-murdered-one-of-his-friends thing is getting' to your head."

"I'm not a piece of meat, Ingo-"

"Talk about it with Talon."

"And I am perfectly fine and sane! Link's a thing of the past cause I got Karl now, isn't that right, Karl?"

Ingo looked at the pillow briefly before Malon smiled brightly.

"See, he agrees!" shouted Malon, pointing her fork at Ingo.

"Ya know what?" said Ingo putting his hands in front of him before getting up." I'm done with this mess. Ya need meh, I'll be looking for Charlie the Cucumber out in the ol' garden."

As Ingo walked out of the room, Malon turned to Karl.

"Don't worry, he's just jealous he has to do most of the work," replied Malon before smiling brightly." I'm glad you see it that way!"


End file.
